David and Michael are parents to an adopted daughter. In this post, David discusses the importance and challenges of contact with their daughter's birth family.
It is a privilege to be able to write this piece for soon-to-be adopters and to share my experience around contact with you. When myself and my partner first began our adoption journey, I suppose we were a little naïve in many ways as to the emotions we would experience with all the complexities and challenges we were about to face. Looking at our now four-year-old daughter who frequently tells others, “I am special because I have two daddies,” makes us feel truly blessed, and we are so thankful and grateful to be able to reflect continuously on our journey and to share our experience with those who are on the same one.
When I tell our story to others, I always start by saying, “It’s not like Madonna!”. Contact is a very significant part of our story, and is so important to the development of our daughter.
I hope you find my reflections thought provoking and supportive in helping you approach contact for your own child/ren in a very honest and realistic way. Everyone’s story is unique, and I don’t believe that there are any right or wrong ways to approach this, but we have witnessed the benefits for ourselves first-hand and know that our approach will benefit our daughter in the future as she grows up.
Contact with birth parents and foster carers plays a crucial role in the lives of children who have been adopted. It is a delicate and complex matter that requires careful consideration and open communication between all parties involved. Maintaining contact can provide numerous benefits for the child's emotional well-being, sense of identity, and overall development. For children who have been adopted, contact with their birth parents allows them to maintain a connection to their roots and understand their personal history. It provides them with a sense of identity and helps them develop a more complete understanding of who they are. Knowing that they are loved and cherished by both their birth family and adoptive family can contribute to their overall self-esteem and emotional stability.
I always remember the moment when we were officially matched with our daughter at our matching panel. This was a very special point in our journey. It took place virtually, but I always remember one of the panel members advising us to meet with the birth parents if the opportunity presented itself. This struck a chord with me as she had been adopted herself and wished that this had been part of her story as she said that it is so important for an adoptive child’s sense of understanding about who they are.
This is something at the time that myself and my partner were very susceptible to. The birth parents expressed that they did not want to meet us, but perhaps if they had, they would have understood our commitment better. We will never know, but what we do make sure we maintain is the annual letterbox contact. These are hard letters to write, given all that we have been through, and we can’t help but feel very emotional as we lay words to paper, but we want our daughter to know that we always tried to maintain contact, which will be so important to her when she reaches an age where we can start Life Story work with her. What helps me when we write these letters, is recalling the initial feelings of empathy I felt for the birth parents when I first read about their history. This is so important for me to hold on to as I will need to draw on this when we start that Life Story work so that I can detail my daughter’s birth family history in a non-judgmental and supportive way. We never receive a reply to these letters, but we remain committed to this as she grows and develops.
Our experience with our daughter’s foster carers is a very different one, and is especially unique to our story. When we were matched and we were planning introductions prior to her being placed with us, we discovered that her foster carers lived in the next village to us which is only five minutes in the car from where we live! Coupled with this very strange coincidence, it turned out that I also knew the family from the work I do! This only added to our sense of “it’s meant to be” and a belief in a higher power that in some way, our daughter also chose us! The more we got to know each during this time, we felt huge waves of appreciation and an overwhelming feeling of love that they had for our daughter. They gave us everything prior to handover – photos, communications with birth mother, special toys, keepsakes etc. We couldn’t have asked for anything more. These are things that we treasure and will be so important to share with her so that she can see how loved and well cared for she was during that first year of her life. Emotions were strained at times though because they had become so attached to her, but what helped them and us through the handover, was that prior knowledge of who we were and the fact that she wouldn’t be living too far away. Initially, after our daughter was placed with us, we were bombarded with messages from them, which felt a little suffocating at times. We were trying to bond with our daughter and secure our attachment, but we did realise that they were in their own way grieving a loss.
Our social worker was of huge support for us during this time, sharing research and knowledge about how contact with foster carers can be incredibly valuable for adopted children. Foster carers often play a significant role in a child's life, providing them with love, care, and stability during a critical period. Maintaining contact with foster carers allows the child to maintain a sense of continuity and connection to their past.
It can also provide them with a support network of individuals who have played a significant role in their upbringing. It allows them to maintain a sense of connection, understand their personal history, and develop a strong sense of self. This is so true for our situation! By embracing open communication and collaboration, all of us are able to contribute to our daughter’s well-being and in the future, when she begins to gain an understanding of her own life story, the relationship we have with her foster carer will help her navigate her own unique journey of adoption.
Although our daughter is not yet of an age where she understands the role these people played in her early life, or really remembers that time, the fact that we have maintained regular contact, we believe will really strengthen her sense of self and belonging as she grows up. We meet up at least three times a year at Christmas, Easter and for her birthday. We always invite them to her birthday parties, and they always attend. We have such a good relationship with them that we have even invited them to our wedding, so it will be great for our daughter to see them on our wedding pictures in years to come dressed in her pretty bridesmaid dress!
This is our experience of contact, but the nature and frequency of contact will vary depending on the specific circumstances and the preferences of all parties involved. Some families may choose to have regular visits, while others may opt for written updates, phone calls, or occasional meetings. One thing I have learnt is that it is essential to establish clear boundaries and open lines of communication to ensure that everyone's needs and desires are respected. Open and honest communication between adoptive parents, birth parents, and foster carers is crucial in navigating contact arrangements. It is essential to have ongoing discussions, addressing any concerns, fears, or expectations that may arise. Flexibility, empathy, and mutual respect are key in finding a contact arrangement that works for everyone involved.
As adoptive parents, we play a vital role in facilitating and supporting contact between our child/ren and their birth parents and foster carers. We act as a bridge, ensuring that their best interests are at the forefront of all decisions. We provide a safe and nurturing environment where our child can openly discuss their feelings and experiences related to contact.
As you can see, “It’s not like Madonna!” but ultimately, contact with birth parents and foster carers in whatever way you feel is appropriate in the circumstances for your child will greatly benefit them and I believe the arrangements we have ensured will benefit our daughter.